Went ice skating with L, I guess now I can call her the lover, for that’s how it’s shaping up, although I’d rather not. Maybe I’ll call her Lady, yeah, makes sense, since she thinks she’s andro yet really she’s a woman.

So, yes, we did hook up again. It was a late night. Back to my house after skating to rock music, drinking wine and listening to music at my place, trying to stay warm, enjoying one another’s company, I guess. I’m comfortable around her. Finally she asked, can I kiss you? And I said, you realize I’ve been wondering that same thing, can you, can you realize that life is made of pain and that pain is inevitable? She said yes. I talked and didn’t make any moves, and finally she just sort of attacked me, which I really liked. She pretended to dominate me, carried me, made me ask permission to do anything. She doesn’t seem to have much experience for a 30-year-old. And she’s totally self-conscious. But the best was this morning. I did everything I could to make her feel less shy, inhibited, by being really free with myself in front of her, which she liked. I fed her homemade sushi, for that’s all I had in the fridge. That and coffee and green tea. Then I started to panic about time, acted aloof, not on purpose, just nervous that the day was already half-over and I had spent it in bed, and not sleeping.

Now it’s snowing. I just took some photos of this boy, angel boy, heroin addict, sweet-faced freckled curly haired darling little puppy of a boy. I hope they come out. I was really gentle with him.

I wish I could motivate myself to get to the library, but maybe since it’s dark and snowy I’ll just stick around and try to read all I need to read for the week. Ha. There is a lot.

i'm in my red flores babushka. my students are cuties, what can i say. they want to learn how to "interpretate" lit. this pierced bassoon player freshman created a "counter-culture series of barbies including: straight-edge Barbie, Raver Barbie, Punk-Rock Barbie, Rasta Barbie, and Goth barbie (as yet to attempt to market)." i also got a guy named Leif with crohn's disease. he was wearing a bag with his intestines connecting to his stomach under his coat. thing is, he's really really cute, i mean a young johnny depp type, except haggard and sallow and intense, and loves russian lit, wants to major in english. i lucked out. i even got a puerto rican. they are all advanced, compared to last semester's lot. ah, freshmen, i love it.

me, i'm not too motivated yet, but hope is kindling.

way exhausted. drank a zillion cups of coffee after the cartoon sex workshop meeting, where erica gave me this sad clingy hello and i ignored almost everybody until it was over. i came in late after marilynne robinson, whose class on moby dick i'm going to sit in on. broc of course knew, it felt like the whole fucking room knew, and was waiting to see how erica and i would interact. when i turned to broc to let him interrupt me, erica ran away.

i feel really out of control. i want to smoke til i choke.

but it was good to drink coffee around the poet nuts, jared who steals my heart with his zany laugh and lauren and inguito, my little philippino-latino bud. we're so fucking white it's killing me. it's killing all of us. we all want to be black. how sad. so we're this group of buddies and it's all warm and lovey and silly and just leaves me feeling sad, because they all have their gfriends and bfriends and all see me as the token jew and token lesbian, made jokes about chasing amy and kissing jessica stein, and fuck, i'm so sick of it, being torn, loving these guys and being totally pegged by them

welcome to bitch moan complain nag.com.

i know i'm a real treat today. call me ms sarcasm. who knows what will happen.